Half Minute Holiduty: Ghosts
by Bloodonthedancefloorfan420
Summary: My raunchiest, sexiest, goriest, most offensive piece to date. Fox News is gonna have a field day with this, and then John Steward is gonna have a field day with Fox News.


**Chapter 1: Cum 'n' git it**

Goddammit. My life freaking sucks. God I hate it. It's like my sister's always said, "Oh my God Curse you've gotta stop staring at my ass it's fucking weird I mean Jesus Christ." Yeah so my parents adopted this chick in Asia so now were brother and sister but the thing is that she's really hot and she's an anchorwoman on the news so like every guy wiggles their stiffies when she comes on and I'm not allowed to do it too because she's my sister but we're not even related!

Anyway, I was going to go to art school and become a neural surgeon, but I was kicked out of my school. See, my dick roommate, Micky Cape Cod, applied for a new roommate 50 seconds after we had been living together but none were available but he was a HUGE complainer so they had to replace me with some exchange student from New Jersey named XX666NATAS666XX. Now it's two days before Christmas, but my parents are off joining neo nazi groups in China with epic foreshadow music playing in the background so they made me look after my sister during the holidays. They said I could invite friends over but the only friends I had were killed in a prison a couple months back so I was alone with my sister being completely being self reliant because she was like 23 and could take care of herself and it just made me sick. One day I got so peeved I yelled "I think Keanu Reeves was decent in Deliverance." even though I don't know what either of those things was. My sister obviously did and slapped me. I sat my ass down and called my mom but her phone got poor reception in the box office.

So now I'm just sitting around, playing Rambo by Sega when the doorbell rings. I walk up to the door and yell at my sister to answer it 'cause I'm a busy man. She opens it and two guys in suits bust into the room with guns out and start firing into the ceiling. I politely ask them to stop and they shoot me in the head nah jk they actually stopped and sat down on the couch next to me. One of them was wearing Aviators even though it was 3:00 AM and the other had wicked long dreadlocks. I ask them their names. One of them grabbed the Xbox controller from my hand and beat the entire game using nothing but the knife. Jesus, that was impressive. I was so impressed, that I got up and smashed my TV out of rage. My sister was kinda ticked but she doesn't even watch TV because she's too busy being the best woman she can be in her unfortunate situation. God do I hate my sister. "Why'd you do that?" The dreddlocked man asked, to which I responded. He nodded, fully understanding my situation. "I see. Well, Curse, my name is Larry Renters, me and my DEVILishly handsome partner is Wiat Wellboth. You see, we need a place to-"

"Wait!" Wiat shouted, cutting Larry off, "We don't know if this place is safe! Larry, we need to Zonify it." Larry nodded and immediately they slowly rose from the couch and started running throughout the house, checking all nooks and crannies.

They returned two minutes later, both nodding. "Okay, well, I guess we can tell him now." Wiat said.

"Were part of a secret organization named A7X that were the only members of. We hunt ghosts and demons throughout the country. We've been betrayed by an undercover ghost that was pretending to work with us to clear out a prison but it turns out he's the one who mwap mwap mwap mwap mwap mwap-" huh, what...wait, okay, "that's why we must track him down and make him pay for killing everyone in the prison."

I shrugged, "So what you guys doing here?"

"We need a place to crash. It turns out the income tax on ghost hunting is wicked expensive unless you live in Connecticut."

I shrugged, "No."

"Please."

I shrugged, "No."

"Seriously dude, c'mon."

I shrugged, "Yes."

"Thanks."

I shrugged.

**Chapter2: Fight me IRA**

Two days past, four days before Christmas. Larry and Wiat did absolutely nothing but eat my sister

's food lol.

No but seriously they both slept with my sister.

The rest of their stay was spent smoking OG Kush and firing their pistols into the ceiling. Once they fired so much that the ceiling collapsed and the bathtub broke through and killed my sister. Luckily the body was hidden under the rubble so when the cops came they didn't find anything suspicious. Then, someone knocked on the door, I told my sister to go answer, to which she flipped me off and went to her room. So, thanks to my bitch sister not answering the door, I had to get up and answer it myself. Standing on my porch was another suited man, except his suit was checkered black and white and he had no skin. His name-tag said XX666NATAS666XX and his eyes were full of eye fluid.

"NATAS!" Wiat cried out and him 'n' Larry pulled out RPGs and Machine Guns respectively and fired upon XX666NATAS666XX with all there might. NATAS channeled every anime ever and completely bypassed these attacks for absolutely no reason."w8 guyys im not here 2 kil u this time i swaer." Natas stated, "there is evne gr8r enemy then me! We must teem up 2 dafeet them u see i must team up wit u gies like old times mirite?"

"An even greater enemy than you? Not possible!"

"Wait, guys, I'm kinda lost," I say as I realise that I was shot 36 times and got my arm blown off by all of those bullets and rockets.

"Well." Larry said, "I guess I better explain it then."

**#Flashback**

Two months ago, halloween day.

So I look up and I see blood dripping down in the shape of XX666NATAS666XX's ZONE and I scream. "Larry, what is it?" Wiat asks me because he can't see because both of his eyes were missing oh shit his eyes were missing! So was Natas!I turn back to the warden's chair and NATAS was standing there with a DEVILish smile and a Razor scooter. With blades on the wheels that is! He swings it towards me but I duck but unluckily it cut off all of my hair. Damn it! It wasn't very well kept up but I had just bought a fuckton of Loriel because I'm worth it. I popped back up, ready to shoot Natas, but he was already gone! In his spot was a time bomb set for 00:01 then the Warden's room blew up and we both fell into the yard. We were super dazed from the betrayal of our once hated ally, then he walks up holding a pistol and he says "I am the stone that the builder refused I am the visual, the inspiration, that made ladies sing the blues, I am the spark that keeps your ideas bright, the same spark that lights the dark so you can tell you left from yo right, judo flip, chop chop chop." And then he shot me and Wiat in the head but we survived and went to a doctor and then started up A7X about a month later.

**#Endofflashback**

Larry Renters and Wiat both stood there, ready to emancipate slave. "Why'd you do it, NATAS!? We were so close! We could have had it all!"

"i wasin my zone lol suks. no but srsly gies i n33d ur hlp."

"With what?"

"ther is anti-XX666NATAS666XX in developement in china bie Neo-Nazi groop named BAD. It stands for New Facist Anti-Communist Party of China. If we dnt stop them they ail literally kill all jew n gay n gypsy n jehovahs witness n catholic n spooks like m3."

"An anti-XX666NATAS666XX?" Wiat lowered his gun, "Larry, the situation is truly worse than we thought."

"Indeed it is." Larry said. "Think Imma go home now I'm kinda bored."

"Wait Larry!" I enunciate!, "We can't fight BAD without you!"

"No fuck you it's my day off."

"cmon leryrty itsll be fUn."

"Goddammit, no."

"_Erugy eschtorgenaught."_

"Well, that's a good argument. Fine, I'll come to China to defeat BAD. Wait how we gonna get here?"

"M8 u underestimante me." XX666NATAS666XX screams so loud that my ears start to bleed, "l00k 0ut5ide."

I peer out me window and see a commercial airliner in the road that XX666NATAS666XX must have flown here. "But wait I don't have a ticket." I say,

"thats okay dont worry whiny little bitches fly for free!" So for the rest of the time me Larry and Wiat had to bitch and moan about getting on the plane to get on the plane. It worked!

**Chapter 3: Fight or Flight**

Hold on that title isn't funny enough

**Chapter 3: Universal Female Suffrage**

Cute butts I mean we were all on the plane thats me, NATAS, Larry, Wiat, and my sister. NATAS wasn't the pilot he just killed the sky marshall but not before the sky marshall ripped off all of his skin which is why he had no skin. Then he told the pilot to land in front of my house quietly. The pilot's name was Ragin' Toejamraman, and the copilot died of an explosive case of exploding tongue syndrome. I hadn't slept all week because during the last few days I've been listening to my sister banging guys left and right, so I decided to rest. But guess what? My sister was just sitting there reading a magazine. What a fucking nerd. I tried to fall asleep but stupid Larry was blasting Onerepublic from his Andriod OSX now on sale at your local pontiac dealer! I told him to turn it down but he couldn't hear me over his blasting of Onerepublic from his Andriod OSX now on sale at your local pontiac dealer!

"WE"VE HIT TURBULANCe ! " Ragin' shouted into the intercom but I couldn't hear it over onerepublic. Then out of nowhere nothing happened.

Yeah I'm actually surprised the flight actually went pretty smoothly besides the aforementioned onerepublic fiasco but then a missile hit the side of the plane creating a massive hole that sucked us out of the plane. My sister flew into the turbine and died.

Luckily, there was tons of snow on the ground so the fall didn't hurt any of us except my sister who fell upon rocks and died. The plane crashed into a nearby Apartment Complex, killing hundreds.

"Why were we attacked?" Wiat croaked, "We're still in America this is not China!"

"Shit dude look!" my sister pointed to a sign that said China, Illinois.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Then my sister got shot in the head by a BAD sniper and died. More BAD operatives surrounded us with MP40s and Wunderwaffes. They spoke to us, "Give us ze Natas, und ve vill vet vou live!"

That sounded like a really good deal, so I grabbed Natas' arm but accidentally pulled it off, creating a huge smoke explosion. The BADs started freakin' the geek out, and fired randomly into the smoke. The stupid idiots were standing in a circle though, so they missed all of us and killed each other. Wow. I mean wow. These guys. But then another shot rang out and I realized that the sniper was still alive.

**Chapter 4: You shouldn't have to take health class after Freshman year**

You seriously shouldn't.

Anyway we all ran behind a nearby house to take cover from the sniper, whom we've decided was hinding in the house across the street. I took Wiat's RPG and fired a missile at the house but it didn't hit him. In fact it went through the window and killed the family inside watching It's a Wonderful Life. "Curse that was an alright shot but try aiming a little higher next time." That's it, I'm tired of my sister's shit, so I shot our last missile at her feet. I was starting to pass out from all of the smoke still coming from NATAS' arm so I knew I had to act fast.

"Thing's look real grim." Larry said, "Looks like it's time for me to unveil my super secret ability." He runs out into the middle of the street and when the sniper shoots a bullet at him, he whips his dreadlocks at it and whips the bullet back at the sniper, hitting him in the head and killing him. "After my hair was shaved off, i needed to get cybernetic implants, so now I can deflect bullets with my hair."

We all ran out into the street to congratulate Larry on a job well done when a truck drove through ramming into my sister, killing her. The truck was a BAD truck! They grabbed all of us and threw us in the back.

**Chapter 5: Origins**

We were thrown into someone's nicely furnished basement, with like a nice couch and wide ass TV and shit, surrounded by BAD guys with guns. "You may have dezeated vour covorts, but you vill not deveat us!" Our hands were tied, there was little we could do, when the main event entered the room, "Behold, ze ANTI-XX666NATAS666XX!"

Standing before me was a poorly dressed man, maybe in his late 20s. "Hi there, guys. Sorry I couldn't wear something a bit more appropriate, but I gave almost all of my good clothes to the Salvation Army and all the money I was going to spent at the cleaner's I spent towards AIDS research." My god. He must be stopped.

"Our plan iz to kill all of you!" Said the BAD leader, who had a mask on. "Zen, ve vill unleash Anti-XX666NATAS666XX on people, who vill zen teach the vorld to be super nice and end all problems, including disease, hunger, var, and genocide. While ze vorld iz being pussified, ve vill emerge and kill all of zem, thus reigning supreme."

"Wait, wouldn't he teach you guys about the value in not killing people, thus rendering your plan moot?" My sister said. The BAD leader shot her in the...in the head...oh my god...my own flesh and blood...dead. I had to hold back my tears. I mean, we were siblings, so we would fight a lot, but I mean, she was still my sister, even if not biologically! No...no...this can't be happening...this can't be happening...but it was. That mother fucker. I'm going to rip that fucking mask from his body with his head still on it!

"Anyvay, I'm going to go vatch Legend of ze Legendary Heroes bevore I kill all of you, be back vin tventy vour minutes."

With that the BAD leader and his cronies left the room and left only two guards and the Anti-NATAS.

"You guys think I should reveal my secret techn9que yet?" Wiat said.

"Nah wait a little." One of the BAD soldiers said.

"MY SECRET PAST!" Natas shouted.

**#Flashback**

I was once just like any other kid, playing in the gym during math class when my friend told me about this game called Half Minute Villain. He's like, "Hey Natas, have you heard of this game?" And I'm like "No." He stopped being my friend, as at that moment he suffered from cardiac arrest and died. In order to get out of going to his funeral, I said I would play half minute villain in his memory. Little did I know that this game was no ordinary game...

So I hadn't played dreamcast in the longest time so I had to make a new gamer tag so I chose XX666NATAS666XX as like a joke y'know. But then I start playing the game and I was having a good time 6/10 when hyper realistic blood started leaking from the console. i thought this to be a symptom of playing Sega games but soon the blood shot into my mouth and I started screaming and a message pops on the screen "You are villain. Fuck shit up when in zone." So anytime I was in my zone I had to cause mass hysteria and or kill someone.

**#Flashbackisover**

"TERible S3CR3T PASST"

The BAD guards were crying and Anti-Natas, being the nice guy that he is, untied us. "Human Bondage is wrong." he said, I took his words to heart and ripped the guards' heads off. Wiat, Larry, and I went after the BAD leader while NATAS stayed behind for his showdown with Anti-NATAS.

They were in the living room watching Legendary Heroes, eating pita chips. I peeked around the corner ready to shoot the leader when I saw him without his mask on.

It was my dad. I scremed with all my mite and flipped the couch they were sitting on over, killing everyone except for my dad. "Star Wars Joke." my dad said, crawling out of the couch and standing up to face me. I shot him but he headbutted the bullet at my sister, causing her brain to explode. "Bullets won't work against me Curse!" my dad said, "I am a Nazi!"

**Chapter 6: Mickey to the Rescue  
**

My dad punched me in the stomach and then shot me in both of my armpits, rendering my arms useless. All I could do was kick him, but he was protected by bad writing. He shot both of my kneecaps and I fell to the floor, creaming in agony. "This is the end of the road, Curse." My had said as he pointed his gun at my head. No, I can't lose! I can't let my dad's evil plan work! But then Wiat took off his Aviators and shot lazers out of his robotic eyes that I just realized he had. It knocked the gun out of my Dad's hand, "No!" he said and picked it back up and shot Wiat twice.

Shit.

"Foolish boy," my dad says, "this corrupt world will fall to a new, better, one, republic!"

That's it.

While my dad was down talking Wiat, I crawled over and stole Larry's Android OSX and started blasting Onerepublic from the headphones.

"Curse, what are you doing?" Larry asked.

"My dad doesn't really like adult alternative."

My plan worked, causing my dad to put down his gun and leave the room. Too bad I put a mine where he was walking! i blew his legs off and he died of blood loss.

Now that the main threat was finished, we moved back to the basement to see NATAS, who had ripped Anti-NATAS' head off and was using it as a pleasure toy. "Yeah, this guy was really easy to kill." he said, "But y'know what? He inspired me, I don't want to kill people anymore, I want to give friendly advice. To do that, I must become one with the sun and shine down rays of friendly advice onto everyone! Larry, Wiat, I need you two to kill Games Jemrano, the ghost hunter who is the only one alive capable of killing me."

"What about me?" I said, but while I wasn't looking NATAS lowered me into a vat of lava and I died.

**THE END**


End file.
